Mind the Gap and Other Related Tales
by nopplespitrol
Summary: An old crone places an interesting curse on Naraku after he misbehaves...again. Kikyo is not amused. Also, other various tidbits of uselessness...
1. Learning Sensitivity Part I

Manners, Darling

_**A Note of Introduction…and Vileness **_

Whilst I was vegetating in my domain…a most sinister and rather disturbing idea arose into my mind…

…_Hehehehe…Naraku's always so composed and detached…I wonder what would happen if his emotional barriers were removed and his self-control shattered…_and thus begun this project… Naturally, he will be out of character, because I'm altering the very essence of Naraku temporarily. Naturally, if Naraku ever saw the embarrassment I'm about to put him through in this little tale, he would want me burned at the stake. Naturally, you'll all be nice and not disclose my hiding location. Please?

**Disclaimer**: the author apologizes ahead of time for this fictional tale and any sort of psychosis it may bring to you or your family. If you feel that you have been emotionally damaged for life, please contact _Hooke, Line and Sincker, Attorneys at Lawl_ in order to get the justice you deserve.

…oh, yes, and I don't own Inuyasha © or any related characters.  


(a/n: this takes place between volume 16 and 18, in what I like to call "Naraku's stalking period" or normally known as the "heavy tetsuaiga period" for those who have more interest in the protagonists. )

The crisp nighttime air felt absolutely delightful with the scent of blood hanging in it. A rather peculiarly clad man could not help but think this very thought as he surveyed his latest…opus. A whole village was currently holding a small-scale civil war, incited by the very man now observing it. Currently all but three of the twenty-seven buildings in the village were in flames or already burnt to the ground. The whole night sky glowed a soft orange in this terribly amusing skirmish. The man barely contained his smirk from under the animalistic cloak he wore. The local monks were foolish enough to think that they had the power and potential to protect and purify two shards of the legendary Jewel of Four Souls. That's why he came: to correct their erroneous beliefs. He let out a barely audible chuckle as a group of women began fighting over pieces of stolen merchandise in the main square, "Foolish, pathetic, hopeless humans," one of the women tossed another into the well in the center of the square, her screams echoing as she plummeted, he smiled, "You all never fail to show your true, inferior natures," the fallen woman's daughter rushed up to the side of the well, breaking out into tears while desperately extending her arms into the blackness of the hole. The crowd of bickering women backed up in their struggle and jostled her until she lost balance and joined her mother in a joyously wet reunion. Flames had now encircled the entire square, but still the women fought over the goods, which were now rendered useless from their greedy grabbing and pulling. The town's men were at the top of the opposite hill from the masked man; they all stared in wonder while watching their fearless wives battle to the death over a torn piece of rug. Some of the older ones shook their heads; others tried to go and urge the females to flee, but the flames prevented them. Alas, the majority of the men stood aghast, unable to speak of or comprehend the force that was ripping their happy existence apart. Their sort of deer-in-headlights mentality continued until each man recognized whose wife was beating whose. This revelation soon divided the men into factions of familial pride. The hilltop soon glinted of firelight reflecting off of steel blades being swung in every direction. The masked man stood there, smiled for a moment and then turned his attention to the slivers of a glassy substance he was holding. Obtaining them was rather facile, the monks thought a few sutras and a half-melted holy candle was sufficient to protect these shards from theft. These only were irritants to the one now holding them, the small amount of purity these unfortunate monks had squeezed into the shards was long gone, replaced with an soothing black glow. The man felt he had to earn the shards, however, so he set up this little uprising as a payment. It provided him with mild entertainment, although the people here were far too predictable to make this totally enjoyable. Satisfied, he turned to leave, only to find a figure blocking his path.

"You…" it hissed.

"If you'll excuse me," he walked past the hulking shape, with every intention of ignoring it. It slid in front of him and addressed him again:

"You find this…amusing?" the voice was raspy and feminine, yet strong and confident.

"Why, yes," the man smirked, "I do find the foolishness of mortals quite amusing," he turned and looked at the old crone addressing him, now slightly interested.

"Don't try and pretend around me, half-breed," she jabbed, "I can sense the human in you,"

His eyes dulled and he lost his smirk, "Why would that concern you?"

The fires now overtaking the village lit up the old woman's face, her eyes writ with determination and filled with rage, "You only pretend to be cold, but I see through your façade!" the crow's feet around her eyelids lengthened as she squinted at him, "I'll make you suffer from the very thing you mock and take advantage of!" with that a strong gust came rushing down. The man, no longer able to take any more of this annoyance extended his arm towards the hag.; it contorted into a monstrous writhing tendril. He launched it forward at an astonishing speed and impaled the woman. A second wind blew away the rags she was wearing, revealing thin air. A voice sounded off from the distance, "And now the curse is complete…" his eyes clenched in annoyance.

"We'll see, old fool,"

Kikyo had always loved children in her brief experience as a living woman. The children still loved Kikyo, even in her detestable state of undeath. Sometimes she found herself wishing to have the innocent and unlimited affection a child was capable of. But her hope died with her living self, and now she had only despair and revenge, which were clearly not compatible with that sort of ideal. So Kikyo was only able to watch in wonder as the children went about, playing and learning, carefree and happy. They had worn her out today, even though her body was unable to feel physical exhaustion, she still required downtime for the effects of mental fatigue. So here she was, resting against a tree, trying to recuperate while the children were eagerly busying themselves with finding herbs and flowers to show her. She smiled as she watched over them, allowed herself a minute of relaxation, closed her eyes, gave a deep (but unnecessary) breath, and began to adjust her hair tie.

Of course in Kikyo's world, one minute of rest is too many. A familiar and unwanted voice cut into her peaceful dozing, "I didn't know you could smile,"

"Naraku, you have five seconds to go away before I decide to react," she said calmly while lounging against the tree.

He ignored this command and stepped out of from behind Kikyo's resting tree, "What? I haven't done anything to you," the irony in this statement threatened to make Kikyo either send the man into the next plane of existence or laugh at him. She did neither.

"Don't even try to make me argue today, I'm not in the mood," she turned her head away, trying to avoid eye contact.

"Heh," he laughed, obviously amused, "Kikyo not ready for a fight, now that's a rare thing,"

"I am only human," she kept staring away, uninterested. Those words stung Naraku for some reason, and he thought back to what the old woman had told him yesterday. He shook his head curtly and scolded himself for even worrying about that wench's worthless threatening. Kikyo began to interrogate him, "so, what other reason, besides to annoy me, have you come here?"

"Just keeping tabs on you, Kikyo, I never can be certain of your intentions," he explained, sounding rehearsed,

"Please," she snorted, "how many times have you used that excuse when you come to see me?" she finally glanced at him, her eyes were lit up in amusement.

"What? Is it not valid anymore?" he could feel his heart rate rising to an uncomfortable level.

"Really," she began, "what's the real reason?" she sat up and turned her body to face him.

"I just told you," there was an unusual amount of anger in his voice, Kikyo was quick to take note of this. This was a perfect opportunity for her to aggravate Naraku, just as he had been annoying her for so long. She knew that whenever he came to see her it meant he was especially vulnerable to that human heart of his. If he visited her for any other reason, besides the one he mentioned and the one Kikyo knew to be his real intention, it probably would be to kill her off. But judging by his behavior as of late, she had no reason to worry. Having this power of him greatly pleased her, and she always relished the fact that she could manipulate him like he manipulates others. _This should be fun, I think I'd like to see him squirm, like the pathetic insect he is._ She grinned mischievously as she thought this. Slowly, she rose from the grassy knoll she was sitting as she habitually stretched muscles that did not require it.

"I think there's another reason," she smiled and took a step forward. Naraku instantly put one foot in the space behind him, "what's bothering you?" she took another pace, "if I'm so scary, why would you come to me in the first place?" She took care to put a swagger in each step as she slowly encroached upon him. Naraku's face showed more anxiety than he usually allowed himself to. Kikyo couldn't help but wonder what had gotten into him today. _Usually he's more composed when he visits. More Guarded._ She corrected herself. _Maybe it's a trick_. She moved up again, Naraku had given up on retreat and instead stood speechless as she approached, his eyes invariably fixed on her. She was now a foot away from him, and the nervous look on his face was priceless, "Perhaps you'd like to discuss something?" she inquired.

Her words however, were falling on deaf ears. Naraku, who was taller than the average Japanese gentleman, was occupying himself with the aerial view of Kikyo's chest area his height provided him. _Why do they make these miko outfits so damn modest?_ He pondered this fact for at least a minute until Kikyo put a penny on his train of thought's tracks, "Naraku, I'm up here," he quickly snapped out of his…admiring.

"Huh?"

"Is there something on your mind?" she tipped her head slightly to the side, causing her hair to swing about in a alarmingly adorable fashion. (a/n: XD)

He spoke out without thinking, "Your chest--" he covered up his mouth with one hand, his eyes widening in shock. Kikyo's mouth dropped and lay limp as she gave the man before her an incredulous

look.

She scooted one of her bangs away cautiously, clearly suspicious "My chest?"

"N-no, that's not what I meant…," he managed to stammer out, "I was just wondering why you're outfit's so modest--" he stopped himself again.

Kikyo's insides were dying, from the dangerous amount of laughter she had stored up. _This is better than I expected._ She reveled. _ He must be really under the influence of that silly mortal heart._ For the sake of plot development and curiosity alike, she needed to see this through, "Oh, what about my outfit?" she managed to say without giving hint to her amusement. Kikyo lightly tapped her chest area three times and spoke again, "shall I change my attire to better suit your tastes, perhaps?"

"Well…I've always liked that demon slayer's outfit--" Naraku couldn't believe this was coming out of his mouth so…so glibly! Curse that wretched old buzzard! She wasn't bluffing at all, she had somehow taken away all of his hard-earned self-restraint.

"You mean that skin-tight leather thing? Oh, I'd look so terrible in that!" Kikyo covered her mouth, trying to stifle a giggle. _Curse this woman for playing along so well! _Naraku added to his mental defixio.

"Of course you would, I mean, I've seen your--" his halt never came at a more convenient time.

Kikyo's expression grew grave. All of the levity she gained out of prodding Naraku seemed to die out.

She narrowed her eyes, "Seen my what, Naraku?" he noticed her hand inching towards the bow resting on the grass.

"Your bre--graces!" he choked out. _Nice save, idiot._

"Sure," Kikyo had already loaded the bow and was pointing it in Naraku's general direction, "tell me, what size are my 'graces'?"

He slipped into sort of a dreamlike reverie as he spoke "Amazing…" he came back to what we know as reality when his arm was dissolved in an instant. He looked down indifferently at his flesh wound and pouted slightly, "I was being honest with you."

"Tsk, how terrible of me not to reinforce positive values," she had another arrow loaded.

"This sort of behavior is exactly what scares away that dog,"

"That's why I act this way," she half smirked, "Now, in what state were these 'graces' of mine?"

"In all their natural beaut--" there went the other arm.

"Wrong answer," Kikyo stated coolly, "you were supposed to say 'fully clothed and very uninteresting',"

"But that would be lying,"

"I'm glad my good moral standards have rubbed off on you," she shot back, "now where did you see these, 'graces' of mine?" she stretched her neck to the side.

"In a spring--" one leg down.

"Wrong again, you needed to say, 'dryly situated in Kikyo's blouse',"

"But that's so boring!" he was now sitting on the ground, looking up at his assailant, due to his obvious lack of ambulatory appendages.

"Oh, were these 'graces' exciting?" she raised her eyebrows in mock amusement.

"What is this? An interrogation?" Naraku was desperately trying to reign the coup occurring in the section of his brain responsible for controlling speech.

"Yes," she answered, "and I've heard so many methods of torture from former prisoners of war, and I think them all very delightful. How exactly did you sneak up on me when I was fully dressed?"

"Kan…" he bit his tongue, knowing that Kikyo would hunt down his favorite incarnation if he let her know.

"Hmph…well," she recalled overhearing Inuyasha talking about a servant of Naraku's named 'Kanna' when she spoke with him last. She decided to look in on it. But it was time for a different question, "Is the spring incident the only time you've ever seen me in all my sacred virtue?"

"Of course not! You're too hygienic for just one bath!"

"Oh, I'm glad you've noticed my special concern for cleanliness," she addressed Naraku's head, which looked very awkward without a neck to hold it up. She determined that using more than five arrows on him was a waste and wished him away, wanting to know no more of his acquaintance with her chest "after all, a holy woman like me must take the phrase 'cleanliness is next to godliness' very seriously," and before Naraku could give another earnest affirmation of this statement, she landed a swift kick to his temple and sent him flying. _Good riddance!_ She huffed and began to think of ways to wash herself without becoming indecent.

As he flew at terminal velocity through the air, Naraku was thinking of a very different thing. He was wondering at the strength Kikyo's legs needed to possess in order to send him soaring at such a terrible speed. _They're so slender and smooth, how could she manage that?_ After the mortification of what he had said to her and what he had just thought sunk in, one thought came into his mind: _I really feel like killing something right now, especially if it begins with a 'k' and possesses a pair of very fine 'graces'. _But of course another soon followed this, _speaking of which, she should be taking her evening bath soon….  
_

_To be continued...maybe. :P Ah, Naraku, you never learn.  
_


	2. OneShot Theatre of Terror: Fishing

-1One-Shot Theatre of Terror® Presents:

…Kikyo goes fishing. You know I'll never stick with a story by now…mwah ha ha…but I can writes lots of One-Shots! And by the way, I'm now on medication! Hooray!

"Call me Kikyo,"

"I did call you Kikyo," the man replied with a hint of confusion in his voice.

"…oh, right," the woman clad in miko garb admitted simply, "in any case I need to borrow your boat for the day,"

"Oh! Of course I would trust my boat to a complete stranger," the fisherman began to untie his vessel from the dock, "Hop in before it floats away!" he cackled insanely.

Kikyo complied, and soon she was off! Why would Kikyo be fishing without any equipment or preparations, you ask? Well, that's a stupid question that will soon be answered by this convenient but still lovingly spawned flashback.

****

_"NARAKU!" _came the shriek comparable to all of the furies of hell.

"Yes?" our favorite villain replied with a grin as Kikyo burst into the room.

"Why , may I ask, is the temple I'm staying at _burning to the ground?_" she glared down at the figure sitting on the mat with both contempt and rage.

"Maybe 'cause your so hot," Naraku cringed a bit when the arrow struck his lower abdomen.

"Don't joke with me," she stated coolly, "I know it was you,"

"No, it wasn't,"

"Yes it was,"

"No, it wasn't,"

"Yes it was,"

"What is it anyway?"

"The one responsible for incinerating my headquarters!"

"Shouldn't you use 'he or she' instead of 'it' when talking about a person?"

"Frankly, at the moment, I don't really care about technicalities," Naraku could feel the burning sensation of Kikyo's arrow pointed at his general vicinity.

"Well, in that case, I think I shall tell you who did it," he faced her with an insincere smile. The arrow edged a bit closer to his head, Naraku could feel his hair singe from the purity of it.

"I'm listening,"

"Well, I don't actually know who…" there went his right arm, "…did the deed," and now the left, "but I _can_ tell you who knows somebody, who also knows somebody, who actually knows who did it,"

"Who?" her eyes narrowed.

Naraku's eyes grew dark as he uttered the words, "The Giant Squid,"

********

And now we are at the present location and time!

"This is boring…" Kikyo had been sitting in the boat for hours, but to no avail! For the dastardly squid had not yet taken the bait! Now, what in the Sam hill would this esteemed "bait" be? For those of you with slower minds, it was Kikyo herself! For the elusive Giant Squid has but one weakness! That's correct, he cannot refuse (like all other fictional monsters) the allure of a young, beautiful virgin! (A/N: Suppress that cough, Kikyo haters.) But, alas! Kikyo had yet to see any sign of this fabled mollusk and she was growing weary of this vigil she kept. Well, of course our very kindhearted and mild-mannered author wouldn't leave poor Kikyo-chan all alone in a boat all day long. So she decided to write an original, but really annoying, character into the scene.

"Hi,"

"…Please go back into the water," Kikyo stammered at the creature before her.

"You should just ignore strange narrations like that, they don't mean anything," the speaker's eyes glinted with deceit.

"I'm perfectly alright here, all by myself," she edged away from the intruder.

"But your eyes tell a different story,"

"_Pride and Prejudice?_"

"Never mind, it was an expression. In any case my name is Bleau,"

"Why don't you have a Japanese name?" Why indeed? It couldn't be because the author, who is studious in all subjects, is too lazy to research Japanese names on the internet!

"Because I want to annoy you,"

"You're doing a good job of it already," Kikyo sighed and looked over the edge of the boat, "Say, how long 'till an actual plot development?"

"Don't I count as one?" Bleau's eyes began to water

"No,"

"Oh, okay," her eyes instantly dried up and returned to normal. Indeed, the author seems to be taking her sweet time when it comes to the pacing of this story, some of us have already begun to question her state of mind. But that's none of our business, now is it? (A/N: Dang straight it's not any of concern to you.) Well, hopefully, the author will give in to our pleas and present us with some action. The water gently reflected the afternoon sunlight off of it. Indeed it was an action-deprived bunch of light because the author refuses to continue with the story. Suddenly something shot through the pleasant patch of sunlight at an amazing speed. Kikyo looked over with surprise, not at the sudden movement, but at the author's overdue spring into action.

"HOLY MOTHER OF MOLLUSKS!" Bleau screamed.

"Shut up and let me talk," Kikyo silenced Bleau and turned to our favorite lil' cephalopod, "Do you know someone who knows someone else that burned down my temple?"

"Garaaraaaaaaaarlge,"

"What?"

"RARararrghalee,"

Kikyo turned to Bleau, "How am I going to find out who burned my temple down at this rate?"

"You already know it's Naraku who did it,"

"Oh, right," she stood up, "why did I get mixed up with this silly business anyway?"

"Because I needed spotlight,"

"RRrarrarrrrrgle," the squid agreed.

"You both sicken me," and with that Kikyo was transported with some sort of nameless force the author really doesn't feel like developing or explaining. Unfortunately for Kikyo, she was now in the middle of a desert! Alas, how unfortunate for her, if one more 's' had been in that word, she would have been enjoying a delicious treat by now! But now she was bound to…um…wander throughout the desert…for a while.

(A/N: I don't feed you to be uncertain in your narrations!)

_BUT THEN!_

"Hi again!"

"Go away you stupid little over-represented original character,"

Bleau's eyes watered up again, "but I thought we HAD something,"

"We had a plot development, remember?" Kikyo's eyes scanned the endless horizon, "I don't think I'm in Japan," she let out a sigh, "how will I exact bloody revenge upon Naraku at this rate?"

"You could ask the Narrator, he seems to be working with us,"

Yes, indeed, for this Narrator is fed up with the meager portions of jerky that make up his pathetic excuse of a dinner. For the author is a very cruel, and unusual girl, who will stop at nothing to see others suffer! And not to mention she ties me up on certain evenings and force feeds me her awful "homestyle cooking" (A/N: You told me you liked it!) well, I lied! So sue me! (A/N: I will).

"Please get to the aid via narration," Kikyo's eyebrow furrowed in annoyance.

Oh! Unfortunately the narration had been stalled by an evil force known as the author, and our brave narrator was detained, yelled at, and threatened with death…

"Please…"

And so Kikyo instantly teleported with that same nameless force to Naraku's castle.

"Finally,"

"Finally what?" Naraku asked innocently.

"I get my revenge," Kikyo answered as she gave a whistle, "Bleau get in here and make yourself useful,"

"Hi,"

"Who are you?" Naraku raised an eyebrow in questioning.

"Kikyo said I could hang out with you for a long time and ask you very repetitive things because that's my favorite activity and I like to do it a lot because my run on sentences confuse people and then they ask me silly things, so I ask them silly things and the cycle repeats itself ad infinitum, I don't know the meaning of that, do you?"

"That still didn't satisfy my question," Naraku glanced around and noticed that Kikyo was missing.

"Well, I gots a lotta names people calls me, like Bluffy, Tuffy, B-B, BBQ, Barbi, Bambi, Supertrees, woody, aloha…"

When Naraku had finally realized what kind of revenge Kikyo had in mind, it was too late. For Kikyo was already relaxing in a nice, land-locked field somewhere.

"Curses," he muttered.

"Why did you say that? Do you think I'm fat? I think I'm fat, don't you? Really, how fat do I look to you?"

Naraku put a hand to his forehead and growled _I didn't burn that temple down, why would she do this to me? _

That sentiment however fell on deaf ears, for the author wishes to have every story end unhappily because she is a sadist and a sick, sick individual. So sick it sickens me to speak of that sickly sicko. (A/N: To think I took you under my wing…) And thus the story ends on a rather random note. I hope you leave scratching your heads, because I'm sure the evil and sick author surely intended that.

THE PROVERBIAL END

A/N: Please excuse any comments made by the Narrator belittling me, he is a drunk who doesn't know anything and will die lonely and without hygiene. *looks around* HA! I bet you like that, you shameful excuse of a narrator! *dances around* Guess who got the last word!

_EPILOGUE_

The author is a stupid jerk.

A/N: You dirty trickster!


End file.
